The cycle of pain and punishment...

It's so hard to get by when you feel the most mundane things can uproot your entire life. Like the fact that Subway has gotten rid of their flat bread. That was my safe food.  I liked the way it taste, and it was easy for me to purge, and I didn't feel too terribly guilty if I couldn't get it all up.  I'm having so much trouble with my gag reflex. It is used to me purging.  I used to be able to get everything up so easily but now I have to struggle, often times cutting my throat open and resulting in blood coming up with the spew.  Mostly water and soda is coming up in my vomit.  I've decided to give the purging a rest for a few days and purge with laxatives, but I've noticed considerable weight gain. I've decided to buy foods like macaroni and cheese to eat and purge on, because I've heard it's really easy to get noodles back up. But I worry I'll over eat the macaroni, and it is far more caloric than the subway, and less satiating. I also bought Metamucil fiber cookies for breakfast. They are tasty, and filling.  I had been eating a fiber one bar for breakfast every day and keeping it down.  I ate some celery earlier with a tiny bit of hummus. I felt guilty.  I had made some artichoke hearts with tomato sauce and herbs to eat, but something upset me and I threw it out. I am so hungry. I was going to go out later, probably eat then, and probably be forced to keep it down, but now I'll be by my lonesome as usual. I'm really hungry, and I really want to avoid a binge and purge situation. So I need to find something to do for as long as I can to avoid eating. Then I can just eat that macaroni and only have to purge what little I can of that. Hopefully I won't draw blood this time, or extreme feelings of guilt and remorse and end up going on a binge. But god I am so god damned hungry. I just wish I had someone who cared, that would hang out with me on the weekends, they are always killer. School days are awesome. They take the time away. Maybe I should walk around the city for a while. It will avoid eating, tone these flabby thighs, and burn calories.