The cycle of pain and punishment...

It's so hard to get by when you feel the most mundane things can uproot your entire life. Like the fact that Subway has gotten rid of their flat bread. That was my safe food.  I liked the way it taste, and it was easy for me to purge, and I didn't feel too terribly guilty if I couldn't get it all up.  I'm having so much trouble with my gag reflex. It is used to me purging.  I used to be able to get everything up so easily but now I have to struggle, often times cutting my throat open and resulting in blood coming up with the spew.  Mostly water and soda is coming up in my vomit.  I've decided to give the purging a rest for a few days and purge with laxatives, but I've noticed considerable weight gain. I've decided to buy foods like macaroni and cheese to eat and purge on, because I've heard it's really easy to get noodles back up. But I worry I'll over eat the macaroni, and it is far more caloric than the subway, and less satiating. I also bought Metamucil fiber cookies for breakfast. They are tasty, and filling.  I had been eating a fiber one bar for breakfast every day and keeping it down.  I ate some celery earlier with a tiny bit of hummus. I felt guilty.  I had made some artichoke hearts with tomato sauce and herbs to eat, but something upset me and I threw it out. I am so hungry. I was going to go out later, probably eat then, and probably be forced to keep it down, but now I'll be by my lonesome as usual. I'm really hungry, and I really want to avoid a binge and purge situation. So I need to find something to do for as long as I can to avoid eating. Then I can just eat that macaroni and only have to purge what little I can of that. Hopefully I won't draw blood this time, or extreme feelings of guilt and remorse and end up going on a binge. But god I am so god damned hungry. I just wish I had someone who cared, that would hang out with me on the weekends, they are always killer. School days are awesome. They take the time away. Maybe I should walk around the city for a while. It will avoid eating, tone these flabby thighs, and burn calories. 

When there is no one there, I am here, with open arms.

It's obvious he wants nothing to do with you. He wants you to go away, he will not help. 6pm? Dinner time.  If he asks if you have eaten, which he won't because he doesn't give a shit about you or your health, you will say yes, yes you have, even though you haven't. If he doesn't ask, which we both know WILL happen, you will not even bring it up. Why? Because you listen to me, the one who is here right, right now with you.  The one who is here for you everyday, the one who is there every time you are crying, while you are sleeping, while you are alone, while you are in so much pain, retching over a dirty toilet seat, or curled up in a little ball unable to get out of bed and face the day, I am the one who is here helping you get by. I get you all of those compliments from guys, I get you all of those second looks and stares.  I get you all of those random conversations. I am the one who gives you the feeling of being in control. Fuck him and choose me.  If he hasn't done a thing to try and help you by now, he never will and he's not your friend, he's your enemy. I would never ever say I will spend the day with you and then make other plans that day and put you second.  NO friend would, especially a friend who says they are trying to help you recover.  You will always be first to me Mary, so quit fighting me. I will win.  You have tried this recovery bullshit before. You don't have the time or will to fight me Mary. Just do your classes and let me handle the rest.

Love,

Ed.

Thinspo for the day. This is gorgeous!!!
One day I will be my own Thinspo!

It's the feeling, not the food. I know he's gone. He had my heart, my all, my dedication, and he crushed me completely. I treat the food like it's him. I avoid it all together, or I eat and then flush it all out, with the feelings. I want him to hold me and tell me there is nothing wrong with me, but there is no one. I feel like an empty shell floating through this world, completing the motions, somehow motionless. I feel like I'm worthy of no one. This keeps happening. But he was different and special. So much talent, so nice, so smart, and so easy to just talk to and be myself around. It didn't matter if we were doing nothing, I could have just laid there all night and held onto him and smelled him and been completely content. Now even the smell is gone.  I don't know what happened.  All I did was care.  Maybe I cared too much, too hard, too fast. Now all that is left is emotions, tears, and Ed. I can't stop hurting myself. I want him to stop me. To save me from myself. He says I deserve whatever I want and I need to change my thinking. What I want is him.  Why can't he see that? That would make everything better. Why can't he just open back up and let me in? Oh my god, I miss him so much. I've never met someone that made me want to be a better person so much before. And now that feeling is completely gone.  I felt like I was making so much progress, and now I've gone backwards. I don't know why I should even try to move forward again. I don't have the energy. I'm so tired. My heart is held together with scotch tape and Elmer's glue. What goal do I have? It's not like if I get better, he's going to come back. So why? Why get better? What is the fucking point? I've read several articles on death by starvation, and how it's euphoric and peaceful. I wonder if I'd ever have the strength to do that. But I agree to nothing anymore. No weight requirements. I will weigh what I want. And right now I hear that I should be 92 lbs. It may be lower or higher depending on what I hear, but for now, since my love has been taken away from me, Ed says I need to weigh 92. Ed says I'm a bad girl, I fucked up, a fat cow, who needs to be punished.  Ed says I'm too selfish and need to absolve by giving up the act of eating and showing some self-restraint for a good while.  Ed says I need to take the control back, because I have shamelessly given it away. And since no one else sane is offering me any considerable help, I listen to Ed. I believe in Ed. Ed has ALWAYS been here for me, never gone away, and will never go away. Ed has never let me down.